done

My mom and I had a horrible fight today. It's been pretty much all I have been able to think about ever since I hung up the phone. Apparently someone told her that I was mean to Jason about his weight and she thinks I am being insensitive to other people because I am planning on having this surgery next week.

I broke down and cried. I yelled at her. I even cursed at her. And she never would tell me who told her I said such a horrible thing to Jason. It makes me wonder if she made it up.

She thinks I am being mean. Not that this is any different than the past 30 or so years. She also thinks I'm not taking this surgery seriously and she thinks I won't be able to do it.

I am done.

I cannot continue to allow her to berate me. She's been able to get into my head and cause me to think of myself in the negative way that she thinks of me.

I have had two huge fights with her lately. One was the week of thanksgiving and now this. It all boils down to her being unhappy. She thinks I blame her for all of my problems. She also thinks I hate my sister.

I don't hate anyone. Especially not my own sister.

When I went to a workshop in Tuscaloosa I downloaded a recording app to my phone. I didn't realize it was a phone conversation recorder. I wanted to record the audio from the workshop because it was very informative and interesting.

I had no clue how much I would use that phone conversation recorder. She seems to always say things to me while we are on the phone. It is probably because she knows I will get very upset and she doesn't have the guts to. Be so mean to me in person. Plus if no one else hears what she says she can deny it.

Well those days are over.

She told me in the conversation today that I said something earlier in the conversation that I knew I did not say. I was able to go back and make sure I had not said it. She doesn't realize that I've been recording her when we talk. But after today, I have a feeling she will find out soon.

I know she's unhappy with her life.

But that isn't my fault.

She doesn't want to take care of her parents but no one else will step up and help, so she is miserable and I am her mental punching bag of sorts.

But I am done.

I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday at 9 that morning. I don't want her there and I've told her so. She wants Janie to stay with her and my daddy while I'm in the hospital. But after today's conversation Jason wants to get a hotel room for them (him, Janie and Si) to stay in.

I have got to realize that our relationship will never be picturesque like hers and my sister's. It will simply never happen. And I am starting to be fine with that.

I won't argue anymore.

I won't confide in her ever again.

I have got to stop allowing her negativity to rule my life.

This is my life. Not hers.