Sweet Silly Si

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Last night my mom called. I had to call her back because I had missed her call when I was giving Si a bath. I knew something was wrong when she didn't leave me a voicemail.

She asked me if I was alright. I told her I was great :) and I am great :)

Not far into the conversation she started to cry. She even asked me, "who do you go to when you need help?"

She cried almost the entire time we were on the phone. I almost started to feel sorry for her but I can't forget about how she has treated me ans made me feel like less. Less than a mother. Less than a daughter. Less than a human being. I do hope she feels better. I even told her she should go to the doctor and ask about getting on an antidepressant because it would help her immensely. She's probably not going to do that (because she thinks that would be like admitting something is wrong with her).

That old adage about leading a horse to water is definitely true.

I do wish someone (not me) had the guts to go to my uncle and tell him he had better start helping with his parents or his say-so in how they are cared for was going to be null and void. He's a real piece of work.

I expected a call this morning. She calls me every Sunday morning around 9 asking about taking Janie to church. But not today. I almost want to call her and make sure she's alright.

Almost.

But... maybe I do need to call and check on my daddy...

nope

Am I scared? Of course I am. I honestly have been very cool about all of this until yesterday and the infamous conversation with my mom.

She thinks I'm not taking this seriously at all. That may be because I haven't acted scared about it in the least bit.

But yes, I am scared. Who wouldn't be?

But am I going to admit that to her?

Nope.

done

My mom and I had a horrible fight today. It's been pretty much all I have been able to think about ever since I hung up the phone. Apparently someone told her that I was mean to Jason about his weight and she thinks I am being insensitive to other people because I am planning on having this surgery next week.

I broke down and cried. I yelled at her. I even cursed at her. And she never would tell me who told her I said such a horrible thing to Jason. It makes me wonder if she made it up.

She thinks I am being mean. Not that this is any different than the past 30 or so years. She also thinks I'm not taking this surgery seriously and she thinks I won't be able to do it.

I am done.

I cannot continue to allow her to berate me. She's been able to get into my head and cause me to think of myself in the negative way that she thinks of me.

I have had two huge fights with her lately. One was the week of thanksgiving and now this. It all boils down to her being unhappy. She thinks I blame her for all of my problems. She also thinks I hate my sister.

I don't hate anyone. Especially not my own sister.

When I went to a workshop in Tuscaloosa I downloaded a recording app to my phone. I didn't realize it was a phone conversation recorder. I wanted to record the audio from the workshop because it was very informative and interesting.

I had no clue how much I would use that phone conversation recorder. She seems to always say things to me while we are on the phone. It is probably because she knows I will get very upset and she doesn't have the guts to. Be so mean to me in person. Plus if no one else hears what she says she can deny it.

Well those days are over.

She told me in the conversation today that I said something earlier in the conversation that I knew I did not say. I was able to go back and make sure I had not said it. She doesn't realize that I've been recording her when we talk. But after today, I have a feeling she will find out soon.

I know she's unhappy with her life.

But that isn't my fault.

She doesn't want to take care of her parents but no one else will step up and help, so she is miserable and I am her mental punching bag of sorts.

But I am done.

I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday at 9 that morning. I don't want her there and I've told her so. She wants Janie to stay with her and my daddy while I'm in the hospital. But after today's conversation Jason wants to get a hotel room for them (him, Janie and Si) to stay in.

I have got to realize that our relationship will never be picturesque like hers and my sister's. It will simply never happen. And I am starting to be fine with that.

I won't argue anymore.

I won't confide in her ever again.

I have got to stop allowing her negativity to rule my life.

This is my life. Not hers.