friends

I have realized lately that because of the changes in my life (my divorce, my marriage, the birth of my son, among others that I can’t right now place) I have gone from being a very popular friend, to having very few, if any, friends at all.

Honestly, this scares the crap out of me.

I have watched my mother be friendless almost her entire adult life. She spends virtually all of her time now taking care of her parents (my grandparents – one with Alzheimer’s and the other with more physical maladies that I can fit into one blog post). The days she is not there, she is working part-time for the health department helping mothers who are on the WIC program learn how to feed their children with allergies and sicknesses that I hope to never have to understand. Her best friend in my sister. She takes the time every now and then to make a trip to visit my sister and her family (which is about 3 hours away) and it gives her a nice break from being the sole caregiver for my grandparents.

I don’t want to be like her one day.

I can name four people I consider my true friends. Each I have known for over 10 years. I don’t talk to any of them every day.

I realize that there are people who once were a part of my life that no longer are because the only time they reach out to me is when they want something from me. I don’t care to be someone who is taken advantage of because of certain skills I possess. The people (some of them in my extended family) that I have chosen to exclude from my everyday life because of their snobbish behavior are assuredly not worried that I don’t include them in my inner circle. If they were, they would make more of an effort to be a part of mine and my children’s lives. I absolutely hope and pray that I raise both Janie and Si to be better people than some of the adults they encounter.  

Ever

Chris picked up Janie for her to spend the night with him at his parents' house...

This will be the first time she's spent the night with them.

Ever.

I miss my Janie so much...

I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't dwell on this... but I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by an empty sadness that is trying to consume me.

And I can't help but to think, is this how Chris has felt every night for the past 3 years?

I feel like a horrible person for wanting her home... I texted Chris earlier and asked him to please tell Janie that I love her. He said that he would and told me that she was having a good time with her cousins. 

That did make me feel better.

But I still miss her...

Still friends

Today Janie's daddy came to see her for the first time in almost 6 months. I'm not faulting him for his absence; he has been working 1500 miles away and couldn't really help it.

They have been texting back and forth every day for the past week. Her face lights up when she talks about him :) 

When he got here today he asked if he could take her to see his parents. Of course I said yes. They left around 3:30 and I said she needed to be home by 8:30. 

The whole time she was gone I felt that a part of me was missing. It was a retched and horrible feeling. A feeling of emptiness and hopelessness... I held onto Si tight and rocked him longer than usual while she was gone... 

Chris had her home before 8:30 and he and I got to talk and catch up. He's missed a great deal since he's been gone for so long. But he is trying to make up for it.

I am so very blessed.

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, a precious daughter that is my saving grace, and I have a good relationship with my ex-husband. Not many people can say they've gone through a divorce and are still friends with their ex. But I am absolutely glad that I am.