I shouldn't care. I absolutely should not care at all.
But I do...
was so unequivocally over-joyed today when the doctor took me off of
the wound vac that I couldn't think of anything else. I immediately
began sending text messages to my friends and family telling them that
the doctor had taken me off of the vac. I cannot begin to explain how
wonderful it felt all day not to be tethered to that confounded thing.
tonight, I was able to take a shower. Like normal people do. I didn't
have to wait until a day that the home health nurse would be coming (as I
have been having to for over the past month). I can take a shower now
any time that I want :)
It is amazing the things that I use to take for granted that I haven't been able to do.
Shower on a regular basis.
Drive my car.
Go to the grocery store.
Walk distances longer than 100 yards.
now I can start doing some of those things again. The stamina thing
will be something that will happen over time. I don't plan on running
any 5Ks anytime soon, if you know what I mean...
But the thing that I will never get back...
The way I was.
The way I use to look.
I've never had an awesome body. But it was MY body. And I knew every inch of it.
Heck, I've had it for 34 years, right?
But now... I have the beginnings of this hideous scar.
not only a scar. It has actually changed the way my body is shaped. I
hope I will be able to hide all of the disfigurement when I am clothed.
And that is all I should care about, right?
Well, that is easier said than done...
I stood in the shower tonight and cried...
cried so hard that my Janie came to the door and asked me if I was
alright. She could hear me in the next room. I thought the noise of the
shower would hide my weeping, but I was wrong.
I feel so shallow. So vain...
But I just want my old body back.
The one that I wasn't even that proud of.
But it was mine.
cannot even continue to type this entry. The tears are beginning to
well up once again. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.
But I still want to be able to feel like Leigh again. I miss her.