Saturday, October 5, 2013

I miss her...

I shouldn't care. I absolutely should not care at all.

But I do...

I was so unequivocally over-joyed today when the doctor took me off of the wound vac that I couldn't think of anything else. I immediately began sending text messages to my friends and family telling them that the doctor had taken me off of the vac. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it felt all day not to be tethered to that confounded thing.

And tonight, I was able to take a shower. Like normal people do. I didn't have to wait until a day that the home health nurse would be coming (as I have been having to for over the past month). I can take a shower now any time that I want :) 

It is amazing the things that I use to take for granted that I haven't been able to do.

Shower on a regular basis.

Drive my car.

Go to the grocery store.

Walk distances longer than 100 yards.

And now I can start doing some of those things again. The stamina thing will be something that will happen over time. I don't plan on running any 5Ks anytime soon, if you know what I mean...

But the thing that I will never get back...

The way I was.

The way I use to look.

I've never had an awesome body. But it was MY body. And I knew every inch of it.

Heck, I've had it for 34 years, right?

But now... I have the beginnings of this hideous scar.

And not only a scar. It has actually changed the way my body is shaped. I hope I will be able to hide all of the disfigurement when I am clothed. And that is all I should care about, right?

Well, that is easier said than done...

I stood in the shower tonight and cried...

I cried so hard that my Janie came to the door and asked me if I was alright. She could hear me in the next room. I thought the noise of the shower would hide my weeping, but I was wrong.

I feel so shallow. So vain... 

But I just want my old body back.

The one that I wasn't even that proud of.

But it was mine.

I cannot even continue to type this entry. The tears are beginning to well up once again. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.

But I still want to be able to feel like Leigh again. I miss her.

No comments:

Post a Comment