Christmas 2013

No matter what kind of day I've had, no matter how long and tiring it has been, or how frustrating, when I hold this beautiful baby boy at night and rock him to sleep, I feel whole.

Merry Christmas :)

Sick

Si is sick :( he has a horrible stuffy nose and cough. he slept most of the day yesterday and it took much longer than normal for him to take a bottle because he can't breathe through his nose very easily...

so today instead of going to daycare, Jason took him to Mrs Suzanne.

and tomorrow he has a doctor's appointment for this 4 month shots...

poor baby...

 

No D90

I went back to work last Monday and Si started daycare with Mrs D. It took me a few days to get back into routine and to get over the astounding tiredness I felt every day from getting up with Si every night for his feeding. But I think I'm getting the hang of it. He had a rough night the Sunday night before I went to work on that first Monday, getting up every 2 to 3 hours, but since then he has eased back into his routine of getting up once during the night. 

I think he knew something was up and that's why he kept getting up that night...

It is an awesome feeling to know that Si is absolutely taken care of while I'm at work. Mrs D is so good to my Si :)

Janie had her choral concert tonight and Chris was able to come to it. My parents also attended. I took a couple of pics of Janie with her daddy but I didn't even use my D90. That's probably the first school function I've attended that I haven't taken my camera to. It was as odd feeling. 

I'm rocking Si to sleep. He didn't take much of his last bottle (it took an hour just to get an ounce and a half in him) and he kept falling asleep. I hope he sleeps well tonight...

Si is 4 months old today!!

It's hard to believe he is already this old... he is such a beautiful baby. I can hold him and stare at his precious face for hours... 

:D

Good one

Tomorrow I go back to work. I haven't been at work in over 6 months.

Tomorrow will be Si's first day at daycare. 

I pray that his day goes well, even if I have a bad day, it will be better if he has a good one.

Thanksgiving 2013

We're finally all home :) Jason and I went to Bass Pro and did some Black Friday shopping today. We got in line at 4:30 this morning. It was oh so cold... Janie and Si stayed with Jason's parents last night. 

Si had his first semi-solid food last night! Granted it was only rice cereal mixed with formula but that's about all he can have at this young. Mrs Susanne said that he slept from 11:00 last night until 8:30 this morning :)

Right now Si is asleep in my arms and Janie is in her room reading. Jason just went to Wal-Mart for something for his gun scope... 

All in all I had a pretty good Thanksgiving :)

Ever

Chris picked up Janie for her to spend the night with him at his parents' house...

This will be the first time she's spent the night with them.

Ever.

I miss my Janie so much...

I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't dwell on this... but I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by an empty sadness that is trying to consume me.

And I can't help but to think, is this how Chris has felt every night for the past 3 years?

I feel like a horrible person for wanting her home... I texted Chris earlier and asked him to please tell Janie that I love her. He said that he would and told me that she was having a good time with her cousins. 

That did make me feel better.

But I still miss her...

Sadness...

I miss my Janie so much...

I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't dwell on this... but I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by an empty sadness that is trying to consume me.

And I can't help but to think, is this how Chris has felt every night for the past 3 years?

I feel like a horrible person for wanting her home... I texted Chris earlier and asked him to please tell Janie that I love her. He said that he would and told me that she was having a good time with her cousins. 

That did make me feel better.

But I still miss her...

Still friends

Today Janie's daddy came to see her for the first time in almost 6 months. I'm not faulting him for his absence; he has been working 1500 miles away and couldn't really help it.

They have been texting back and forth every day for the past week. Her face lights up when she talks about him :) 

When he got here today he asked if he could take her to see his parents. Of course I said yes. They left around 3:30 and I said she needed to be home by 8:30. 

The whole time she was gone I felt that a part of me was missing. It was a retched and horrible feeling. A feeling of emptiness and hopelessness... I held onto Si tight and rocked him longer than usual while she was gone... 

Chris had her home before 8:30 and he and I got to talk and catch up. He's missed a great deal since he's been gone for so long. But he is trying to make up for it.

I am so very blessed.

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, a precious daughter that is my saving grace, and I have a good relationship with my ex-husband. Not many people can say they've gone through a divorce and are still friends with their ex. But I am absolutely glad that I am.

Halloween 2013

Happy Halloween :)

I'm rocking Si to sleep, Jason is at work and Janie is at school.

Si is going to be Frankenstein's monster and Janie was supposed to be the Bride of Frankenstein but she doesn't want to wear the wig... lol

So she's most likely going to be a zombie or something close to that.

It is definitely going to be a different Halloween than past ones...

Doctors, doctors, doctors

Two doctors appointments yesterday. One with my OB-Gyn and one at the wound care center. My OB expected my incision to be completely closed. But it's not. So she's not releasing me to go back to work until the beginning of December. (I should probably add here that she wants to make me as happy as possible because all of this is their fault -- their as in the doctors who performed the c-section and later on did not do what they should have to stop the bleeding...)

The doctor at the wound care center changed the type of dressing that I will be using. It's some type of special pad that will help absorb the excessive drainage and blood that it has been producing. It definitely feels different. It is supposed to pull the skin towards it, helping it to close faster.

We will see...

My grandfather fell two nights ago and cracked his hip. The bad hip that he broke about 5 years ago. So in between my doctor appointments Jason and I went to Spring Hill to see him. I assumed they would do surgery, but since it is only fractured part of the way through, they are going to keep him through the weekend and release him Monday to rehab. 

So this completely changes things that my mom had planned for November. She was going to Dothan and taking Janie this coming weekend for the Peanut Festival, but now, probably not...

Ahh well.

More blood

Well my incision is now 9 centimeters across and .9 centimeters tall. There is absolutely no depth to it at all :) 

I've come a long way since this first began back in August. Then it measured over 22 centimeters wide, 7-8 centimeters deep, and at least that tall.

But here's the strange thing... it is bleeding more now than it was a week ago. 

When I stepped out of the shower this evening, blood ran down my legs and onto the floor. And it just kept pouring. 

Jason got me some paper towels to clean up most of the blood, and he's not concerned. The nurse did say that as long as it's bleeding that means it is getting good blood supply which it needs to heal.

I just don't understand why there's more blood...

There should be less.

Two month shots

Si slept from 9 o'clock last night until 4 o'clock this morning! I am still amazed... 

He had a doctors appointment for his two month shots yesterday and I had an appointment at the Wound Care Center in Mobile yesterday, so we spent all day down that way. Jason and I went on down to Gulf Shores for the Shrimp Festival. But that wasn't Si's idea of a good time... it was also hot as 3 hells outside... so needless to say, we didn't stay very long.

Jami and Emmie came home yesterday also :) I love that kid! She is a handful but she is so hilarious! 

I've got to take pictures of Janie and Si sometime this weekend so I can get started on our Christmas cards. My sister has already ordered hers!

I should probably get some sleep since Si may be back up in a couple of hours. I still cannot believe that he slept for 7 hours straight...

I miss her...

I shouldn't care. I absolutely should not care at all.

But I do...

I was so unequivocally over-joyed today when the doctor took me off of the wound vac that I couldn't think of anything else. I immediately began sending text messages to my friends and family telling them that the doctor had taken me off of the vac. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it felt all day not to be tethered to that confounded thing.

And tonight, I was able to take a shower. Like normal people do. I didn't have to wait until a day that the home health nurse would be coming (as I have been having to for over the past month). I can take a shower now any time that I want :) 

It is amazing the things that I use to take for granted that I haven't been able to do.

Shower on a regular basis.

Drive my car.

Go to the grocery store.

Walk distances longer than 100 yards.

And now I can start doing some of those things again. The stamina thing will be something that will happen over time. I don't plan on running any 5Ks anytime soon, if you know what I mean...

But the thing that I will never get back...

The way I was.

The way I use to look.

I've never had an awesome body. But it was MY body. And I knew every inch of it.

Heck, I've had it for 34 years, right?

But now... I have the beginnings of this hideous scar.

And not only a scar. It has actually changed the way my body is shaped. I hope I will be able to hide all of the disfigurement when I am clothed. And that is all I should care about, right?

Well, that is easier said than done...

I stood in the shower tonight and cried...

I cried so hard that my Janie came to the door and asked me if I was alright. She could hear me in the next room. I thought the noise of the shower would hide my weeping, but I was wrong.

I feel so shallow. So vain... 

But I just want my old body back.

The one that I wasn't even that proud of.

But it was mine.

I cannot even continue to type this entry. The tears are beginning to well up once again. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.

But I still want to be able to feel like Leigh again. I miss her.

No more vac!

No more wound vac!!!!!

I'm not completely healed by any means, but the doctor said I didn't need the vacuum anymore :D

I am a happy camper :) :) :)

Should I post pictures?

I have numerous pictures of my incision that we started taking about 5 weeks ago. I haven't posted them anywhere because they are pretty graphic and gruesome. 

But I am thinking about posting them here... I'd need to upload them to my Flickr account and embed them in an entry here... I'm not sure yet though... graphic images of an open c-section incision... 

Too much??

Another couple of weeks

I am so absolutely ready to be done with this wound vac. I have had it for over a month now. And at my last visit to the wound care center I asked the doctor how much longer I would have it. He said another couple of weeks... I seem to remember someone saying that to me a couple of weeks ago...
Tomorrow is Monday so Juanita comes (she is my home health nurse) and my mom will come sit with Si while she changes my wound dressing.

I really look forward to being normal again one day... this is so very tiresome...

Bottles

I am sitting on the bed, holding Si and rocking him. He woke up at 3 wanting a bottle and since it had only been just over 3 hours since his last bottle, I made him a 4 ounce bottle instead of a 5 or 6 ounce one. 

I wish I had blogged more when Janie was this age. So I could compare more... I know that I shouldn't compare my children, but there are so many things I cannot remember. Little things. Like how old she was when I upped her bottles from 4 ounces to 5 or 6.

Jason's mom thinks we should try putting Si to sleep on his stomach and maybe that would help him to sleep better... because of him having his days and nights mixed up. But after going through him crying for hours during the day, him being mixed up on days and nights isn't as big of a deal to me...
Yesterday was the first day out of the previous 6 days that Si didn't cry for at least 3 hours.

And I'm not talking about that mindless tearless screaming that newborns do randomly in short bursts when they are cold or hungry.

This was a gut wrenching, fearful cry that actually produced tears that streamed down his beautiful cheeks. The kind of cry that hurts a mother's heart because she cannot figure out what to do to help her baby stop hurting. 

So I am dine with being up with him in the middle of the night. If that's what it takes to keep him from crying during the day. 

At least there's usually Law & Order reruns on all hours of the night somewhere on satellite ;)

Sleep

I have spent the majority of today asleep. Si has been having problems with his tummy :( and I stayed up all night with him night before last and I was up all day yesterday also because of going to Mobile.
It has been a long past few days...

Jason has taken care of Si all day. And I just laid him down.

So I am going to try to go back to sleep. Because I have a feeling he won't be asleep all night...

Stroller

So... yesterday I made my first excursion out of the house with Si without having Jason with us. We went to the school to turn in the sick leave request. I decided to take the stroller so that I could just stroll Si around instead of carrying him the whole time.

It was a good idea, in theory anyway...

Since I picked up the stroller to put it in my car and to get it out of my car, I haven't been able to move as freely today. I haven't been experiencing hardly any pain for over a week and this is a sharp stabbing burn in my abdomen.

From one side to the other and all throughout my incision. 

So... yeah...

Not my best idea as of late...

Sick leave request

I finally finished the letter I am turning in to the board requesting my coworkers to donate sick leave days so that I can stay off from work...

On August 10, 2013 I had a C-section. Initially, the surgery went smoothly and Si was born at 11:32 am. That evening around 7 o'clock I was in more pain than I have ever experienced in my life. I had every nurse on the floor in my hospital room at one time. They even called the doctor who had performed the C-section back to the hospital because of the amount of pain I was in. After four hours of crying, begging, having an anxiety attack, and my blood pressure plummeting to 65/30, they determined that I had a hematoma in between two of the layers of stitches. 

I was told that they were hopeful that the hematoma would resolve itself over time. This is not, however, how things worked out. I was released from the hospital on Wednesday, August 14th. By Friday, August 16th my incision had started to pour blood. I went back to the doctor on Tuesday, August 20th and found out that the hematoma that formed the night that Si was born after my C-section has burst through my incision. And that is where the blood has been coming from. I also found out that it will take much longer for me to heal from this surgery because instead of remaining sewn together, the doctor had to cut through most of my stitches and pull out as much of the old blood from the hematoma as possible and pack the wound with gauze. And my husband has to help me by packing the incision with gauze two to three times a day.

I went back to the doctor on Thursday, August 22nd for her to try to scoop out the blood from the hematoma. Very painful is an understatement. After laying there through agony for about 5 minutes (which I promise seemed much longer than 5 minutes) she asked me about having surgery the following morning to get the rest of the blood out. This means I would be put to sleep and she would really be able to get in there and clean all of it out. So I was scheduled for out-patient surgery at 8:30 the following morning, Friday, August 23rd.

After being home for less than 24 hours, the home health nurse called the hospital to have me re-admitted for pain management and to be outfitted with a wound-vac. I was also given 4 units of blood because my hemoglobin level had fallen to 5 (a normal level is 12). I have fought off two infections through all of this. I have been admitted to the hospital a total of 3 separate times. A home health nurse comes to see me at my house every Monday and Wednesday to change the gauze from my open C-section incision and re-hook up my wound vac. Every Friday I make a trip to Mobile to the Wound Care Center to see the doctor there and have them re-evaluate my incision and redress my wound. 

I have been told by the doctor at the Wound Care Center, that I will need a minimum of 2 more months off from work, and I will exhaust my sick leave well before that time comes. I hope to return to work by November 6th. I would much rather return to work healthy than stay where I am presently, but to make that return a reality, I would really appreciate any donated days my colleagues would be willing to spare during this difficult time. 

Gotta love technology

Today was definitely a Monday. My cell phone service was completely gone this morning. Which meant that I couldn't get in touch with the home health nurse to find out when she would come to my house. It also meant that I didn't know when or if I could take a shower before she showed up. AND I couldn't call my mom to come stay with Si so that I could take a shower and have the nurse change my wound dressing. 

Thankfully I was able to use Facebook to contact my sister-in-law and get her to call my mom for me.
Gotta love technology :) even when it causes problems you wouldn't have had without it ;)

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡

I remember missing Janie being a little baby that I could rock to sleep. I absolutely adore rocking Si :) 

Granted, I adore it most when I am well rested and least when I am tired. Such as between the hours of midnight and 5 am.

;)

Days and nights

Si has his days and nights mixed up... and it is becoming miserable for me... now that Jason has gone back to work I am the one who must get up and stay up with him in the middle of the night. It should be easier than this, I swear...

I have started driving again. It had been over a month since I last drove anywhere. It felt strange to be driving again. I was so uber careful I'm sure I aggravated the people behind me because of my lack of speed ;)

According to the doctor and nurses at the wound care center I am healing at a very fast rate. I have got the letter for the school board asking for coworkers to donate sick leave days to me almost ready and I hope to finish it tomorrow. This blog helped me tremendously in writing it. I was able to pull from the writings right after Si was born for most of it.

I had better get some sleep while Si is asleep. Maybe tonight will be better...

Photog slacker...

Si is one month old today. I haven't even taken my camera out of its case in over a month. That should prove how sick I have been... I have taken pictures with my phone but it just isn't the same. Maybe tomorrow I will take a one month shot of Si... 

I am starting to feel like a slacker... in more ways than just a photog slacker...

Walking

Tomorrow Jason goes back to work. He has been off with me for the past four weeks. It will definitely be different without him here, but I'm sure I can handle it :)

The home health nurse is scheduled to come tomorrow so I will need someone here to stay with Si while she changes the dressing on my incision. Either Jason will come home then or his mom will come over. Both Si and I have doctor appointments on Wednesday in Mobile and then I have to go back to the wound care center in Mobile on Friday. I can already tell there is an air leak around the port for the vac this time. It started yesterday and has gotten a little more noticeable today. I am hopeful that it holds until the nurse comes tomorrow. 

We went walking today. Just up the street and back but it was a good feeling just to be outside for a change.

So much more

I just laid Si down from rocking him to sleep after he finished his bottle. Jason is asleep beside me. He goes back to work on Monday. So I will be doing all of this on my own. He has been getting up with Si every night since he was born because of how sick I have been. He really is an awesome daddy :)

Still no word on my sick leave. I need to contact the insurance company about my short-term disability... since this whole ordeal has been much more than a routine c-section. Maybe they will agree to pay me more than the standard 8 weeks. I sure hope they do.

I remember after Janie was born being ready to go back to work. I think becoming a mom was overwhelming for me then. Also having to do so much by myself because her daddy was always gone working away from home didn't help much either. But this time I am not anywhere near being ready to go back.

I would love to be a stay at home mom. I do miss the people at school. But I live being here so much more :)

17.5 centimeters

I had an appointment at the wound care center today. It went much smoother than last week. No tears at all today. The pain has become much mire bearable than it was in the beginning and I can move around so much easier. It is amazing how much better I am now. Last Friday my incision measured 20.5 centimeters across. Today it measured 17.5 centimeters across. It has closed 3 whole centimeters!! Which is awesome!!

The depth of the wound in the center is 6 cm which is about the same as it was last week. And the goal of all of this is for it to heal from the inside out without leaving any voided space that could become a problem later (such as an abscess).

I am still looking at being off from work for 2 more months. And I don't even know if my sick leave has been approved... I simply cannot go back to work like this. I surely hope that it is approved soon...

Today I took the breastfeeding pump I had rented back to the store. It kinda made me sad... to know that I really absolutely would not be pumping any more. I had wanted so badly to do it this time. But it just didn't work out that way...

Looking forward

I sincerely look forward to being able to walk around my home without having to unplug this wound-vac.

I look forward to being able to go into the Post Office without having to worry about people staring at me because of this clear tubing that runs from under my shirt to the little black purse I constantly carry on my left shoulder.

I look forward to not having to wait for the days that the home health nurse is coming for me to be able to take a shower.

I look forward to the day that I can go to Mobile with Jason for a reason other than a doctor's appointment or hospital admission.

And I will never forget this journey. Because I have learned a great deal about myself and about the people closest to me. Some good, and some bad. But I think I have learned the most about myself.

Antibiotic

The doctor at the wound care center was blown away that I'm not taking an antibiotic to prevent infection. But that also means that some of the medicine could get into the breast milk that I pump for Si. So it looks like I won't be pumping much longer...

He said I could continue to give Si the milk, but I would have to watch him closely and check for signs of a rash...

Nope.

It's not worth making him sick. I've been able to pump and give him milk for 3 weeks. And that's all I can do. It does make me sad, though. I had really wanted to do this. But pumping also puts a strain on my body and could cause it to take longer to heal.

So it makes sense to stop, right?

Wound care center

At this very moment, Jason and I are at the wound care center. This is quite possibly the scariest place I have ever been... there are elderly, sick people everywhere. I am the youngest person here, save the two young children running around in the waiting room... I would never bring Janie or Si here if I could help it.

I think it's time for another Percocet... I wish I had an Ativan or a Xanax... I may need it to make it through this appointment...

Duration

Today has been a much better day than yesterday. My outlook in life has returned to normal. So I don't feel hopeless, at least today I haven't.

Jason's parents got us a king sized bed for the living room because I cannot make it upstairs to sleep in our bed. This is the first night in a month that I will be sleeping in a bed next to my husband.
It is an awesome feeling :) I didn't realize how much I had missed sleeping next to him until I could actually do it.

Today when Brooke and I were having a random text message conversation, I realized something. Since I walk so slow now and so stooped over, and I always carry this little purse with me everywhere I go (even to the bathroom) I bare a stark resemblance to Sophia from The Golden Girls...

And that is proof that I have kept my sense of humor through all of this ;)

I hope I am able to keep it for the duration.

Breaking point

This pain is to the point of unbearable. I'm not sure how much more I can take. And it doesn't feel like anyone around me truly understands what absolute agony this is.

Right now, at this very moment, I loathe my life. And if it wasn't for Janie and Si, I honestly don't know what I would do ..

On-call home health nurse

Home sweet home...

Although it was definitely an experience getting here and even being here... on the way home, maybe 20 miles from the hospital, I realized that the dressing for my wound vac had come loose and I was leaking blood and fluid all over my pants. Of course I freaked out (just another item to add my my Murphy list) but Jason stayed calm. He called my home health nurse who said she would try to contact the wound care center (but of course they were already closed because bad things like to happen to me right after closing time) and she told Jason what to do to fix it if he could. And if he couldn't then she would call the on-call nurse to come to my house.

As soon as we got home Jason was able to fix the leak and everything was fine. That was about 6 o'clock. It's now half past 8 and I have another leak. From a different place than what Jason fixed. So he called Tammy again and she contacted the on-call nurse who is now on her way here.

This has been one helluva day. It's been a helluva past 17 days!

Murphy's Law

Now I am ready to be home. It has been a trying day so far. So many problems have crept up I cannot even begin to detail them all. Throughout this entire hospital stay, Murphy's Law has ruled my world. The biggest one was my wound vac that I was to be sent home with didn't work.

So we have been stuck at the hospital for the past 2 hours waiting on a new one.

I am so ready to hold my baby Si. And I am so damn ready to see my Janie. I have felt lost without her...

I have never in my entire life been so ready to be home. It is time. It is past time.

17 days

Si is 17 days old... out of the past 17 days, I have been in the hospital for 10 days.

And today I go home.

I am scared to death...

Scared to go home...

Right now I am hooked up to IV fluids, IV antibiotics, a breast pump, and a wound vac. I have more tubes running in and out if me than anyone could ever way...

My incision looks extremely better. Even the nurses were impressed. I just hooe the wound vac continues to work like it has...

I am scared to go home... and it isn't because I just love being at the hospital. I am scared of getting home and something else falling apart and having to turn back around and go back to the hospital again... we have made three trips in just over 2 weeks.

And tomorrow I should be released to go home. I've fought off 2 infections since being here. I hope there isn't a third.

I am scared to go home though... scared that something else will go wrong and I will have to endure the pain that I had to go through the last time I was home. I've already cried about it...

I am going to lay down and watch tv for a while... I hope my outlook on tomorrow gets better...

Prayer

I am in more pain now than ever before, save that Saturday night after having Si and almost passing out from the pain. I wish i could pass out right now. I just want it to stop...

I cannot even hold my precious baby boy :( and I feel like I am a burden to everyone, especially my mom. She stayed with us last night to take care of Si. I simply cannot do it right now. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself.

All of this is so humiliating. It isn't supposed to be this hard. It feels as though there is a double edged knife in my gut and it is being twisted and turned at various times. It comes out of nowhere.

Please Lord, help my pain go away. And help me to remember that this whole ordeal is helping to make me a better person and a better Christian. Please help my doctor and my home health nurse to see how much pain I am in so that they can help me minimize it. And please be with my family through this because I have not been able to be myself for 2 weeks now and it is getting worse instead of better. Please help my body to heal without anymore surgery. And when I feel like I cannot continue because of the pain, remind me of Janie and Si, Jason, my mom and daddy, Jami and Emmie, because that will help me persevere through the pain.

I have asked a great deal in this prayer, Dear Lord, and I want to tell You how thankful I am for the infinite blessings you have allowed me to have. Baby Si is a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy; I could not have gotten anything more in that area. 

My daughter is my saving grace; and she helps me see the good in people everyday. Her heart is tender and her intentions are pure. 

Jason truly loves me no matter what. He is my rock through times like this. He is also my best friend. He has helped me more in the past two weeks than I could have ever imagined.I love him with everything that I have and thank You for putting him in my life. 

My momma has put her life on hold to stay with us help take care of Si while Jason takes care of me. She has spent numerous nights at our house rocking Baby Si to sleep, washing and sterilizing bottles, changing poopy diapers, among many other things. I could not have asked for a more wonderful mother and friend.

My daddy has helped us in every way that he possibly could. He even donated sick leave days to me through the school so that I can be off with Si and because of all this surgery. Otherwise I would only have two more weeks off (for a total of 4). He wants to learn how to pack my wound from my c-section so that he can help Jason do that over the next however many weeks. And right now he is outside on the back deck trying ti finish up the roof and screening. He is my SuperMan.

My mother-in-law, Jason's mom, has been here every day that my momma hasn't been here to help us with Baby Si. She has cooked us some of the finest suppers I have ever eaten and helped to organize my house so that we can find things in a hurry. She was born to be a hostess and is the best one I have ever been around. No one can cook like she can, not even Paula Deen! 

I hope You know how thankful I am for each and every person You have put in my family. I love each and every one of them. I thank You for allowing me to be a part of their lives and I hope my presence in their lives is as much of a blessing as they are in mine. 

Amen.

Back to the hospital...

now they are talking about re-admitting me to the hospital and using a wound vac on my incision...
my home health nurse sounded excited that they would use the vac on my wound so I am trying to be positive...

2 percocet in me and i am a new woman. i know that they will be worn off in about 45 minutes though... which scares me... :(

back to the hospital we go...

Out-patient

Went to the doctor today. Jason's mom kept Si for us at her house, which made the whole trip much easier. 

Doc had told me on Tuesday to take two Percocet before coming in because she knew it was going to be very painful for her to try to scoop out the blood from the hematoma.

Very painful is an understatement. 

I said things in that doctor's office through tears and clenched teeth that even surprised me. Why is it that cursing seems to help relieve stress??? Doesn't make much sense, honestly... But somehow it helped.

After laying there through agony for about 5 minutes (which I promise seemed much longer than 5 minutes) she asked me about having surgery tomorrow morning to get the rest of the blood out. Which means I would be put to sleep and she would really be able to get in there and clean all of it out.

So I am scheduled for out-patient surgery at 8:30 in the morning, and we have to be at the hospital by 6 o'clock.

So we are staying with Jason's parents tonight because it is closer to the hospital and Janie is going to stay with my parents so they can get her to school. She doesn't know this yet... I feel like I haven't spent much time with my Janie lately... And this just makes it worse... But I will be able to make up for it after all this is over :)

I have to pump, then wash bottles, and pack for us to stay with Jason's parents... After I take a little nap though...

zzzzzzz....

Bed rest

Momma stayed with us last night to help with Si. Jason is sick with a sinus infection, and I am, well, still dealing with all the stuff from my c-section and the complications. 

When I got up this morning my left foot, ankle and leg were very swollen. My right side is swollen also but nothing like my left side. I'm also swelling through out my abdomen.

Oh and my blood pressure 165/101...

So now I'm on lateral bed rest... fun fun...

Chickens

Today I found out that the hematoma that formed the night that Si was born after my c-section has burst through my incision. And that is where the blood has been coming from. I also found out that it will take much longer for me to heal from this surgery because instead of remaining sewn together, the doctor had to cut through some of my stitches and pull out as much of the old blood (gag) from the hematoma as possible and pack the wound with gauze. 

And Jason has to help me by packing the incision with gauze two to three times a day...

Oh, and did I mention it hurts like hell???

When I was pregnant with Si and I was getting to the point of being so very tired of being pregnant, people would often cheerily say to me,

"It's all going to be worth it!"

And do you know what I wanted to do to those people??

Punch them in the face.

Because how were they to know that it would all be worth it?

It felt like counting your chickens before they've hatched.

Well, after what I went through today, and now that Si is here, the chicken has hatched. And he is so beautiful and so healthy and so perfect :)

And yes, I can say, it has been totally worth it :)

Percocet

Apparently I am running a fever... it's good that Percocet contains Tylenol because that's helped my fever this afternoon. I knew the Percocet was out of my system when the fever came back...
It's time for things to get better instead of worse ;)

Hopefully tomorrow I can write about something completely positive :)

epitome of cuteness

Better day today so far. Although I have to remember that yesterday was actually a very good day until about 6 o'clock when I realized I was bleeding...

Jason, bless his heart, has been such a good husband through all of this. First the pregnancy wasn't exactly easy for him (crazy hormonal wife who cried at the drop of a hat) and now this? A c-section patient who seems to keep having random complications... And he has yet to complain.

He's become my nursemaid. I never expected him to step up to the plate like this. I had actually already bragged about him to my sisters-in-law just 2 days ago because he has been so attentive and helpful.

I never expected him to have to help me change bloody clothes a week after my section. Now he deserves even more bragging...

I can tell Janie is a bit jealous of all the attention that she isn't getting. She's not exactly jealous of Si, she's just acting a bit different. Kinda like, "hey, look at what I just did" because she needs some affirmation that she is still important.

And she definitely is. So I am absolutely giving it to her. She was worried last night because she knew something was wrong and after I was feeling up to it, I explained to her what happened. Not in any great detail, of course, but she was happy with my explanation.

My sister and her family came to visit us! Emmie kept repeating "Baby Si!" over and over again. It was absolutely adorable!

That little girl is the epitome of cuteness! I remember when my Janie was that age... I miss my little baby Janie. But now I have my little baby Si :)

Too bad they can't stay young and innocent forever...

bleeding

It is Friday. We came home on Wednesday from the hospital with our beautiful baby boy :)

It has been a miraculous past few days!

Until tonight... when my incision started bleeding. I was sitting in the office pumping milk for Si and when I got up, the chair was full of blood and my pants were soaked thru...

So now I am laying in Janie's playroom bed with a new bandage on, praying that the bleeding stops.

I hope tomorrow is a better day...

I have a son...

Si was born yesterday! All 8 pounds 14 ounces of him :D and he is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!

My water broke around 6:20 yesterday morning and I woke Jason up shortly thereafter. I didn't even have my bag packed to take to the hospital and I never imagined that my water would break on its own. Needless to say we packed as fast as we could and headed to Mobile.

My epidural didn't take so I ended up with an epidural and a spinal block. The surgery went smoothly and Si was born at 11:32 am.

He is a beautiful child! I am so very truly blessed by God.

Yesterday afternoon I was in more pain than I have ever been in my life. There has been no other pain I have ever experienced that is comparable to what I felt like yesterday evening. Thankfully my parents and Jason's parents had already left. I had every nurse on the floor in my room at one time. They even called the nurses that were with me earlier in the day to coke back because something wasn't right. Then they called the doctor who performed the c-section.

After 4 hours of crying, begging, and even having an anxiety attack, they determined that I have a hematoma in between two of the layers of stitches. My blood pressure dropped to 60/35 and I honestly thought I was about to die... I couldn't breathe... it was the scariest moment of my entire life...

They gave me something for the anxiety and tried getting my pressure back up but it seemed to take so much longer than I'm sure it actually did. And then once I felt better, it happened again. Finally by 11 o'clock last night I was somewhat better. Not 100% by any means but I was able to fall asleep.

Today has been a much better day :D I got to hold my beautiful baby boy! He is so sweet and perfect! I cannot get over how miraculous it all is... and how blessed I am...


I just got a dose of Benedryl because I am apparently allergic to morphine and any other good pain relievers other than Percocet. And I got a dose of Ambien so that I can sleep...

Sweet dreams...

8 pounds 14 ounces

Long, long week. Went to work all week and got things prepared for a class that wasn't even on my schedule until Tuesday (one also that I was told I would not have to teach until January). Thankfully I can use things I already had done for another class to take care of it.

Ultrasound on Monday showed that Si weighs 8 pounds 14 ounces... thankfully we have less than a week to go!

It's Friday and it is still hard to believe that in less than one week I will have a son.

A son.

I've never actually said those two words together out loud before.

I am going to have a son! 

thank God for c-sections

Much better day today :D and I have one product to thank for it! Witch Hazel. It has been my go-to remedy for the past 4 days and when I woke up this morning I was pleasantly surprised to NO PAIN! Well, no hemorrhoid pain that is. But it has been so much worse than anything else during this pregnancy that I actually felt virtually pain free today.

So I no longer feel as though I may go insane :D

Ultrasound tomorrow at 9:45 and a doctors appointment tomorrow at 10:15. So we will hopefully get to see just how big our big boy baby Si is... If he was pretty much 8 pounds last Monday, that means he should be 8 lbs 8 oz tomorrow... goodness gracious... thank God for c-sections... (remind me of that after I have one and they gut me and sew me back together..)

so much pain

13 days to go... and I am more than ready to have this baby... this has been a rough week. No sleep, pain in places I didn't even know I had, and more pain in the places that were already hurting bad enough. I keep thinking only 2 more weeks and it will be over, I can handle anything for 2 weeks...
Now I'm not so sure. I feel as though I may go crazy first. I now feel horrible for the people that live in chronic pain. This is miserable.

And hemorrhoids are THE DEVIL.

fat

Today my housekeeper hugged me because she caught me crying... because my mother has reminded me of how big I have gotten with this pregnancy. I have cried for 2 days because of her comments...

Only 16 days to go, so hopefully after Si is here I can lose some of this weight...

I hate being fat...

school supplies

So I'm down to 21 hours that I have to work before August 8th. Not too shabby. It definitely has made this week different than the past few weeks. I'm not complaining... just a statement of observation ;)

Today Janie and I went to work for a few hours and then to Wal-Mart to purchase her school supplies. I was able to get everything for just under $90. As I was looking through the loose leaf paper trying to find wide-ruled paper, a woman walked by with what looked like her mother and her 3 children. As she glared at me with my buggy full of school supplies, she stated very loudly and obnoxiously, "I ain't buyin' no school supplies this year. Screw dat." To which her eldest daughter replied, "but momma I need paper and pens at least."

The child got no response.

I have a feeling that the whole conversation was merely for my benefit. As if to say I'm the idiot for purchasing all of the items on the school supply list. Because I absolutely know (as a school teacher myself) that about half of the students that will be in Janie's class will show up the first day of school with nothing but the clothes they are wearing. And that all of the supplies that have been purchased by the other students will be used by the whole class.

Does that mean I will stop purchasing school supplies for my child?

Nope.

Does it mean I think that woman dea erved to be slapped across the face?

Hell yes it does.

Well... I got that off of my chest...

After we finished with our shopping excursion we went home to go through Janie's school uniform clothes for this year. Thankfully we have more than enough shorts, shirts and pants to get us started (as long as she doesn't hit a major growth spurt any time soon) and I won't have to worry about buying those for a few months.

Now I'm watching the movie MAMA with Jason... this is definitely a freaky movie... Janie is playing on her Kindle and avoiding going to bed with everything she has. But it is still summertime, right?

6 pounds 7 ounces

Doctors appointment went well yesterday, other than the ridiculous wait time to actually see the doctor... I had an ultrasound done and Si is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead of schedule... also, he weighs 6 pounds 7 ounces according to the ultrasound. I know that the ultrasound could be off, so I'm not going to freak out just yet... lol

We spent the weekend in Spanish Fort and Jason went crabbing. He ended up catching over 60! He and Janie spent the evening last night shelling crab for about 3 hours. It was probably the last little mini-vacation for a while since we have less than 4 weeks until Si will be here :)

I went to work today. Janie went with me and we spent about half a day there. I need to go ahead and work as much of my 60 hours as I can before the end of July. So far I have about 25 hours done, so only 35 more to go :)

washing hair

Janie washed her own hair tonight! I am SO ECSTATIC! I know this is a milestone that she should have surpassed a while back, and maybe I shouldn't be so proud of her since she is already 9 years old... but that doesn't matter right now :)

I've started updating my blog from my phone... which is definitely different than what I'm accustomed to. But so far I like it. Definitely easier than prying Janie from the computer ;)

35 more days

I miss blogging... I miss being able to look back at what I wrote on a random day and feel whole and smile... 

It's time to change that...

Tomorrow will be Thursday. That means I have exactly 5 weeks from tomorrow until I will be the proud momma of a baby boy :) 

Duke Simison Harrell :) we plan on calling him Si :) -- and please no eye-rolls because of Duck Dynasty ;)

5 weeks. 35 days. Oh. Em. Geeee. I ONLY HAVE 35 MORE DAYS!!!!!

I have way too much to do...