Friday, December 30, 2016

His Father's Day

You think that your Father’s Day is in June like everyone else’s?

It’s not.

It is in December.

December 30th.

When I took a pregnancy test and saw two lines. Two lines. Staring me in the face. My hands began to shake and my stomach started to feel as though I was on a roller coaster. I jumped up and ran out of the bathroom and jumped onto the bed where you and Janie were. I made Janie come closer to me so I could whisper to her, “We’re going to have a baby...” as softly as I could so that you couldn’t hear. Janie’s reaction was as priceless and beautiful as yours! She didn’t know if she could tell you (haha!! Why did she think I told her in front of you?!?) and of course I told her yes! I don’t know that you even believed us at first (I’m not 100% sure that Janie believed me, actually) because the look on your face was so happy and puzzled at the same time. Like you had just gotten some awesome news of winning the lottery but didn’t want to get to overly excited before you confirmed it...

That is your Father’s Day.

December 30, 2012

I use to worry that Janie would hate me one day for leaving her daddy. I was sure of it, actually. So I would make more of an effort than I should have to make sure that she was getting all of the attention and anything else that she needed -- even if it meant that I was short-changing other people in the process. It may have seemed as though I was doing it for Chris, but I assure you, I was doing it for Janie. My mother was always negative about my daddy. Still is sometimes. And I remember hating her for it. I could not stand the way she would talk about him. I don’t ever want to give Janie a reason to feel about me as I have felt about my own mom.

I am not trying to make an excuse. I am, however, trying to explain my actions. And my inactions. There really isn’t an excuse that could help this situation honestly. It is something that has passed and will never be visited again, unless someone invents time-travel and I assure you I have a list of times I hope to go back and revisit.

I love you.

You are the other half of me. You have always been.

Even when we were whatever we were in the beginning. I knew.

I hope that I can make you happy and I hope to be a better wife. I hope to be a better mother as well. Janie and Si are my world. And you helped me create that world.

So Happy Father’s Day, my Jason. 

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