Upside down

My whole world is about to turn upside down. There is a plan to move my department from JHS and I don't want to go. I love this school. I love this town. This is my home. This is where I graduated from. I do so much for this school -- not because I have to, but because I want to. Prom, Memory Night, programs for everything, ball games, anytime I have been asked to do anything I have stepped up and done my best.

I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach.

friends

I have realized lately that because of the changes in my life (my divorce, my marriage, the birth of my son, among others that I can’t right now place) I have gone from being a very popular friend, to having very few, if any, friends at all.

Honestly, this scares the crap out of me.

I have watched my mother be friendless almost her entire adult life. She spends virtually all of her time now taking care of her parents (my grandparents – one with Alzheimer’s and the other with more physical maladies that I can fit into one blog post). The days she is not there, she is working part-time for the health department helping mothers who are on the WIC program learn how to feed their children with allergies and sicknesses that I hope to never have to understand. Her best friend in my sister. She takes the time every now and then to make a trip to visit my sister and her family (which is about 3 hours away) and it gives her a nice break from being the sole caregiver for my grandparents.

I don’t want to be like her one day.

I can name four people I consider my true friends. Each I have known for over 10 years. I don’t talk to any of them every day.

I realize that there are people who once were a part of my life that no longer are because the only time they reach out to me is when they want something from me. I don’t care to be someone who is taken advantage of because of certain skills I possess. The people (some of them in my extended family) that I have chosen to exclude from my everyday life because of their snobbish behavior are assuredly not worried that I don’t include them in my inner circle. If they were, they would make more of an effort to be a part of mine and my children’s lives. I absolutely hope and pray that I raise both Janie and Si to be better people than some of the adults they encounter.  

alone

Sometimes I feel so absolutely alone. When Janie is gone with Chris, and Jason and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye it feels like there is no one else in the whole world that cares.

Alone.

Hopeless.

Empty.