Couldn't have said it better myself

from a dear friend of mine who has been through much of what I have been through in the past few months...

"Well it has taken me sometime to be open about a decision that I have made not just for my wonderful husband, who has been my rock and my shelter but for my children who make me wanna be better every day. I have received a lot of private messages asking me how have I lost my weight? And this has been a very private matter between my family & close friends , but as I sit here watching "My 600lb Life" I can't help but see myself on this show. No I never reached that big in weight but close enough to where I was in Congestive Heart Failure , and I see myself in everyone one of these people who are fighting to get their life back.. I have struggled with My weight my entire life, yo yo diets, and trying to hide away a lot of pain, and as I got older my emotional pain got worse. So what does almost every heavy set woman do, she hides it and hides it well, usually behind a great smile and BIG personality. Trying to be the life of the party and the most outspoken, just to hide the physical & mental abuse, not just from family ,but so called friends and even strangers. So in some ways I've become a master manipulator of my own self.. And not until I started this journey of finding myself my true self , did I realize that. So, I had some tough decisions to make , well at least at the time I thought they were tough decisions, and now that I've made the decision to FORGIVE, I look back and tell myself it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was one of the best gifts I could give myself to FORGIVE those who have done me wrong but also to FORGIVE myself for whom I've done wrong. So my next decision was to have the Gastric Bypass surgery and that is the 2nd best decision I've made for myself.. There is no looking back, it is onward and upward for me and my family. I have had some of my, who I thought were my friends, that I shared this with leave me some pretty hurtful messages, telling me it was a coward way out to face my demons head on..Well my decision was not made for anyone else other than myself and my family .. I am sharing my story because I want to be honest with you all when you ask me how did I do it, I'm not ashamed. I just had to come to terms before telling everyone something so personal. So please understand why I hesitated.. Thank you and I love you all."

~ Kimberly Holley

alone

Sometimes I feel so absolutely alone. When Janie is gone with Chris, and Jason and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye it feels like there is no one else in the whole world that cares.

Alone.

Hopeless.

Empty.

less

Last night my mom called. I had to call her back because I had missed her call when I was giving Si a bath. I knew something was wrong when she didn't leave me a voicemail.

She asked me if I was alright. I told her I was great :) and I am great :)

Not far into the conversation she started to cry. She even asked me, "who do you go to when you need help?"

She cried almost the entire time we were on the phone. I almost started to feel sorry for her but I can't forget about how she has treated me ans made me feel like less. Less than a mother. Less than a daughter. Less than a human being. I do hope she feels better. I even told her she should go to the doctor and ask about getting on an antidepressant because it would help her immensely. She's probably not going to do that (because she thinks that would be like admitting something is wrong with her).

That old adage about leading a horse to water is definitely true.

I do wish someone (not me) had the guts to go to my uncle and tell him he had better start helping with his parents or his say-so in how they are cared for was going to be null and void. He's a real piece of work.

I expected a call this morning. She calls me every Sunday morning around 9 asking about taking Janie to church. But not today. I almost want to call her and make sure she's alright.

Almost.

But... maybe I do need to call and check on my daddy...

things to think about...

just because you think you're right doesn't mean that you are.

you can't live a positive life with a negative mind.

you are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.

the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

too much ego will kill your talent.

sometimes you're not always right. sometimes you should just listen.

get over yourself. your problems seem HUGE to you, but they mean much less to everyone else.

some people need multiple anti-depressants. 

and xanax. xanax can fix anything... ;)