Couldn't have said it better myself

from a dear friend of mine who has been through much of what I have been through in the past few months...

"Well it has taken me sometime to be open about a decision that I have made not just for my wonderful husband, who has been my rock and my shelter but for my children who make me wanna be better every day. I have received a lot of private messages asking me how have I lost my weight? And this has been a very private matter between my family & close friends , but as I sit here watching "My 600lb Life" I can't help but see myself on this show. No I never reached that big in weight but close enough to where I was in Congestive Heart Failure , and I see myself in everyone one of these people who are fighting to get their life back.. I have struggled with My weight my entire life, yo yo diets, and trying to hide away a lot of pain, and as I got older my emotional pain got worse. So what does almost every heavy set woman do, she hides it and hides it well, usually behind a great smile and BIG personality. Trying to be the life of the party and the most outspoken, just to hide the physical & mental abuse, not just from family ,but so called friends and even strangers. So in some ways I've become a master manipulator of my own self.. And not until I started this journey of finding myself my true self , did I realize that. So, I had some tough decisions to make , well at least at the time I thought they were tough decisions, and now that I've made the decision to FORGIVE, I look back and tell myself it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was one of the best gifts I could give myself to FORGIVE those who have done me wrong but also to FORGIVE myself for whom I've done wrong. So my next decision was to have the Gastric Bypass surgery and that is the 2nd best decision I've made for myself.. There is no looking back, it is onward and upward for me and my family. I have had some of my, who I thought were my friends, that I shared this with leave me some pretty hurtful messages, telling me it was a coward way out to face my demons head on..Well my decision was not made for anyone else other than myself and my family .. I am sharing my story because I want to be honest with you all when you ask me how did I do it, I'm not ashamed. I just had to come to terms before telling everyone something so personal. So please understand why I hesitated.. Thank you and I love you all."

~ Kimberly Holley

alone

Sometimes I feel so absolutely alone. When Janie is gone with Chris, and Jason and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye it feels like there is no one else in the whole world that cares.

Alone.

Hopeless.

Empty.

done

My mom and I had a horrible fight today. It's been pretty much all I have been able to think about ever since I hung up the phone. Apparently someone told her that I was mean to Jason about his weight and she thinks I am being insensitive to other people because I am planning on having this surgery next week.

I broke down and cried. I yelled at her. I even cursed at her. And she never would tell me who told her I said such a horrible thing to Jason. It makes me wonder if she made it up.

She thinks I am being mean. Not that this is any different than the past 30 or so years. She also thinks I'm not taking this surgery seriously and she thinks I won't be able to do it.

I am done.

I cannot continue to allow her to berate me. She's been able to get into my head and cause me to think of myself in the negative way that she thinks of me.

I have had two huge fights with her lately. One was the week of thanksgiving and now this. It all boils down to her being unhappy. She thinks I blame her for all of my problems. She also thinks I hate my sister.

I don't hate anyone. Especially not my own sister.

When I went to a workshop in Tuscaloosa I downloaded a recording app to my phone. I didn't realize it was a phone conversation recorder. I wanted to record the audio from the workshop because it was very informative and interesting.

I had no clue how much I would use that phone conversation recorder. She seems to always say things to me while we are on the phone. It is probably because she knows I will get very upset and she doesn't have the guts to. Be so mean to me in person. Plus if no one else hears what she says she can deny it.

Well those days are over.

She told me in the conversation today that I said something earlier in the conversation that I knew I did not say. I was able to go back and make sure I had not said it. She doesn't realize that I've been recording her when we talk. But after today, I have a feeling she will find out soon.

I know she's unhappy with her life.

But that isn't my fault.

She doesn't want to take care of her parents but no one else will step up and help, so she is miserable and I am her mental punching bag of sorts.

But I am done.

I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday at 9 that morning. I don't want her there and I've told her so. She wants Janie to stay with her and my daddy while I'm in the hospital. But after today's conversation Jason wants to get a hotel room for them (him, Janie and Si) to stay in.

I have got to realize that our relationship will never be picturesque like hers and my sister's. It will simply never happen. And I am starting to be fine with that.

I won't argue anymore.

I won't confide in her ever again.

I have got to stop allowing her negativity to rule my life.

This is my life. Not hers.

things to think about...

just because you think you're right doesn't mean that you are.

you can't live a positive life with a negative mind.

you are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.

the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

too much ego will kill your talent.

sometimes you're not always right. sometimes you should just listen.

get over yourself. your problems seem HUGE to you, but they mean much less to everyone else.

some people need multiple anti-depressants. 

and xanax. xanax can fix anything... ;)